Finding Your Superpower: Dr. Aletha Miller on Setting Boundaries and Embracing Your Unique Gifts
In a heartfelt and powerful conversation on the “Brick by Brick” podcast by The Brownstone Experience, I sat down with psychologist Dr. Aletha Miller to discuss the journey of self-discovery, the importance of boundaries, and how Black women can identify and embrace their unique superpowers.
The Journey to Self-Discovery
Dr. Miller’s personal journey began in third grade when she was called the “Jolly Green Giant,” making her insecure about her height. Her mother’s response was powerful – she surrounded her daughter with tall, confident, stylish women who demonstrated how to take up space unapologetically.
“What I noticed was that although it was their appearance, their stylishness that initially attracted me to them, it was really about their confidence in how they stood in the room and took their space,” Dr. Miller recalled. This early lesson inspired her passion for empowering other women to “walk in their unique footprint” and be comfortable taking up the space they deserve.
The Myth of Perfect Balance
One of the most impactful insights Dr. Miller shared was about redefining balance. “Balance is an arbitrary word that the world has placed on us as something for us to accomplish, which is very difficult depending on how you perceive it,” she explained.
Instead of striving for perfect balance in all roles – mother, wife, professional, friend – Dr. Miller suggests embracing what she calls being “perfectly imbalanced.” This involves:
- Consulting with God about which “balls” to pick up and which to set down each day
- Accepting that you cannot be 100% in every role simultaneously
- Understanding that when you pause, you give others the opportunity to step in
A powerful metaphor came from Dr. Miller’s therapist who asked her to imagine that not all the balls she’s juggling are made of glass – many are plastic and won’t shatter if dropped. This perspective helps relieve the pressure many Black women place on themselves to excel in all areas simultaneously.
Recognizing Signs of Imbalance
How do you know when you’re overextended? Dr. Miller identifies several warning signs:
- Having non-existent boundaries
- Saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do to seek affirmation
- Feeling exhausted mentally and physically
- Stopping activities you enjoy
- Perceiving everything as a task
- Feeling like you must dim your light in certain rooms
“When you walk in a room and you feel like you’ve got to dim your light, you’re in the wrong room,” Dr. Miller stated emphatically.
The Power of Boundaries
For many Black women, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable or even selfish. However, Dr. Miller emphasizes that boundaries are essential for self-preservation and showing up as your best self.
She shares how she implements boundaries with her own children: “Wednesday is hair day. Are you in the emergency room? Is your father present? He is? Okay, be there when I’m done.”
Dr. Miller encourages mothers to be transparent with their children about needing personal time. “Mommy has to have quiet time so that she can love on you and have the energy to play the games with you,” she suggests explaining to children. Being available 24/7 is not a sign of being a good mother – it’s a path to depletion.
Identifying Your Superpower
Dr. Miller defines a superpower as “a unique footprint – it’s what makes you you.” While others may do similar things, your superpower has your unique imprint.
To discover your superpower, Dr. Miller recommends:
- Stop committing to people who aren’t committed to your purpose. This frees mental space to focus on what truly matters.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. “If you stay in the midst of continuing to compare yourself to other people, then you can’t focus on what you were gifted to do because you’re too busy trying to be like somebody you were not created to be.”
- Stop competing and start collaborating. “When we put our superpowers together is when magic happens.”
- Stop giving your superpower away as a complimentary prize. “How do you identify what you want to do? What you would do for free, and then go get paid for it.”
Valuing Your Gifts
Many Black women struggle with charging for their talents and expertise. Dr. Miller attributes this partly to historical and ancestral patterns of service without compensation.
“We tend to think that the only way for us to give to people is to not charge them,” she observed. “But if I donated my time at this event or that event, I still could charge you.”
She encourages women to trust that “the people that you were created to serve will pay for your service.” Your gifts are not a consolation prize to be given away freely at all times.
Embracing Your Light
Dr. Miller emphasizes the power each woman has to shift the energy in any room. “I walk into a room and confidently believe that I have the ability to shift the atmosphere. I can choose to shift it negatively or positively.”
When facing microaggressions or superficial comments about appearance rather than substance, Dr. Miller offers this perspective: “When people are saying things about me, it’s really more about their own insecurities than it is about me.”
Her advice is transformative: “We don’t have to solve the problem of the glass ceiling; we can just be the people that walk through it. We don’t have to solve the problem of the perceptions that they have of women or of Black women… we can just be who we were called to be.”
Suffering Out Loud
One pillar of Dr. Miller’s brand is “suffering out loud” – being transparent about struggles to help others know they’re not alone.
“A lot of times I feel like I’ve been sitting next to one woman on my right side, one woman on my left side, and we’re probably silently going through the exact same things – whether it’s marital issues, issues with a child, or dissatisfaction at work,” she explained. “But all of us are going to leave there the exact same if we don’t talk to each other.”
Final Thoughts
Dr. Miller’s powerful message reminds Black women that they don’t need to carry the weight of every expectation, solve every problem, or meet every need. Instead, they can make their greatest impact by identifying their unique superpowers, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing their authentic selves – without burning out.
As she poignantly stated, “We don’t have to try to be the person to fix the problem. We can just keep walking in our purpose.”
Dr. Aletha Miller is a psychologist, wife, mother of three, and empowerment speaker. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram as Dr. Aletha Miller.
